Duckers & Diving: Passport to Frustration

THE frustrations of immigration bureaucracy occupy the thoughts of our distinguished diarist this week.

We’ve all done it and most of us probably hate it. I am talking renewing your passport – something which should be simple … but isn’t. The sort of bureaucracy which is set to try us.

So, we have adviser to Perry Barr MP Khalid Mahmood, Elaina Cohen and she is set to take on the powers that be. So, she goes for the clever approach.

She drives down to London and is prepared to give up four hours of her life as she opts for the ‘fast-track’ service – the so-called ‘Usain Bolt option’.

And being a woman, as women do, she puts some lipstick on in an effort to look her best.

She gets a new passport photograph taken and then marches into the passport office.

Only the harridan behind the cubicle is having none of it. They take the new passport photo, look at Elaina, then looks back at the photo and exclaims – much to Elaina’s surprise – that the picture isn’t her.

Disturbed by this, she says: “It’s me.”

Only to get the reply: “No it isn’t, it looks nothing like you.”

However, our adviser has anticipated the move and produces her trump card – an array of documentation including her birth certificate.

Armed with such evidence even this harridan is forced to back down. However, they aren’t going without a fight.

“My, you have aged,” declares the civil servant kamikaze, delivering possibly the worst insult one woman can give another.

Then after all this, the passport photo is rejected. There’s a stray hair intruding into barometric land.

So, along with about 20 other failed contestants in a huge queue, Elaina is sent off to go through the process all over again. But this time she is taking no chances.

Circumstances dictate subjects should wear no make-up, have their hair tied back – and pay £5 for the privilege.

So, back she goes.

Then what happens – yep, you’ve guess it.

The woman behind the counter examines the original, looks at the latest one and declares that neither bears any resemblance, the girl can’t possibly have grown her hair that long in half an hour, and she can only hand the new passport to the real Elaina Cohen, whoever she is.

So, not only has she insulted our heroine once, she has now done so twice!

“I had aged 20 years in one day,” declares Ms C, massively affronted.
 
Eventually – somehow – it’s all sorted.

Notes Elaina: “We all know that our passport photos are appalling. But I fear the writing is on the wall – time for the Botox and face lift!”