Duckers & Diving: Boycott opens up

CONTROVERSIAL England opener and professional Yorkshireman ‘Sir’ Geoffrey Boycott occupies the thoughts of our dynamic diarist this week.

Yorkshire’s greatest, Geoffrey Boycott, was in turns at his magnificent best and his most irascible in Birmingham this week.

Boycott doesn’t do politically correct and a 140-strong business audience attending a Karl Ward Sporting Lunch in Opus restaurant loved him for it.

He arrived at his prickliest.

Our Geoffrey, who was doing turns both today and yesterday, was moaning that his driver had struggled to find his overnight hotel in the Cube. Why hadn’t Karl put him in his usual, the Marriott?

Where was the food? – To keep to time the tradition of the event is that the top table is served last.

“Next time I’m going to have two breakfasts,” came the former opener’s response.

Comedian, the very funny Barry Williams, who was master of ceremonies, muttered in an aside: “Most people say Geoffrey Boycott is a bit of a **** but it is only now I have met him that I know they are right!”

And he got his own back, telling the assembled throng: “When he was born the midwife took three days to get him out.”

But Boycott mellowed and produced some classic lines from deep into his own self-importance.

Questioner: “Were you a natural opening batsman or were you forced into it?”
Boycott: “I was forced into it because I was bloody good at it.”

Questioner: “Over the years who have you enjoyed commentating with the most?
Boycott: “Me.”

First subject was the great man’s ability to run out his partners … and it seems his whole running between wickets philosophy was as a result of the sage advice of his Uncle Algy.

“He told me – if there is a run out, one person is going to be very upset; make sure it’s not you.”

One person who managed to turn the tables on him was Dennis Amiss – the England and Warwickshire legend who did for Boycott in a Test match against New Zealand. Amiss scored 138 not out, which, Boycott has always regarded as rightly ‘his’ runs.

There were tales about Michael Parkinson and Dickie Bird, both of whom he grew up with in Barnsley, and of once being pinned to the wall by Yorkshire and England captain Brian Close. “Ray Illingworth and Fred Trueman pulled him off.”

Fiery Fred, like all of the very best fast bowlers, was a ‘nasty quick’. He would march into opposition dressing rooms and intimidate young players.

“He had talked the kids out before they even got in.”

Then there was a beauty about the late England wicketkeeper David Bairstow, whose son Jonny is in the current Test squad.

At 18, the cocky and bumptious David walked into the ground with this girlfriend. The next morning Close took time out from his pot of tea, fag and racing paper, to grill the youngster as to his relationship with this young lady.

“Purely sex, captain,” came the reply.

And who did Boycott rate as cricketers?

Frank Tyson was the fastest; the best batsman was Gary Sobers, better even than Viv Richards; while on a wet wicket Derek Underwood would outclass even Shane Warne.

But we’ll leave the last word to Williams. “All you lack, Geoffrey, is a little bit of confidence!”

Priceless.